The In-Between
Sometimes you just feel…stuck. Stuck in between where you are and where you want to be. Ready to move forward yet unable to define the correct first step. Tip toeing along the line of selfishness and selflessness—do you help others today or help yourself today so you can better help those in need tomorrow? Navigating between the expectations of who people think you should be and who you ought to be in your own mind. Standing at the crossroads of the paths of the road less traveled which can potentially lead to immeasurable triumph, and the tried and true way to achieve what we’ve collectively decided are measurable forms of success. Wandering aimlessly yet purposefully while also questioning whether or not it’s worth it to wander at all.
I think the feeling can be equated to one that’s felt when standing on an island in the middle of a roundabout in one of the busiest intersections of the world, with no proper traffic signals. Everything around you happens so fast; it’s exhilarating but slightly terrifying. The whirl of sounds and lights engulfs you and if you close your eyes and allow yourself to just be, you can be transported to a different world for a few moments. Somehow, everyone entering and exiting the roundabout knows how to do it almost perfectly, never disrupting the constant flow of traffic. But you are not in a vehicle like everyone else. You’re waiting to cross the intersection, to continue onto the next street and not be stuck in the monotonous routine of going around and around again. The second there’s a break in the traffic you stick one foot out into the street, ready to go. Suddenly, you hear the sound of a horn blaring that brings you back to reality and jolts you right back onto the safety of the island you have been on for so long.
You can see the path to get across and it seems so clear, if only there could be a few seconds where everything halts. You could risk running across to the other side, full speed ahead, but moving forward before it’s the right time is sure to end in failure. It’s as though the rest of your life is waiting for you on that other side, taunting you with its promise of better days. You fantasize about what it’ll be like to get over there but, while you are where you are, you might as well make the most of it until that break finally comes. Maybe it’ll come sooner than you’d expected, or later than you’d hoped, or maybe it’ll never come at all. One thing’s for certain though: what is meant to happen will happen when it’s supposed to, so all you can do is prepare yourself for the moment the path clears again and you can step out onto the road with nothing obstructing your way.
To clarify, this isn’t necessarily a bad place to be. It’s just…in-between. It can be a weird place at times, but that doesn’t mean this place is void of any happy moments. As I find myself indefinitely in this “in-between”, I feel three ropes tugging at me. One rope represents my heart, which I left in the U.S. My heart is with my family and close friends, whom I long for more and more each day. I always knew the importance of having people around you that genuinely care about you and your well-being but nothing slaps you in the face with this truth as much as being separated from these people by a huge ocean and thousands of miles. My support system is akin to a tether that’s keeping me grounded and on planet Earth. Without them, I’m weightless. I feel free enough to allow the wind to blow me in any direction at any time. But without them, I’m missing a crucial piece of me. It might be possible to feel whole again when separated from your roots but as of right now, I have no idea how to achieve that.
The next rope represents my soul that is begging to be creatively nurtured. My current job doesn’t allow for this and I lack some of the tools to be able to satisfy this need outside of work since they didn’t fit into my suitcase (damn you airlines for charging so much for overweight luggage!). To boot, there’s something sort of stifling about Paris. Something too reserved and put together, something too frigid for the warm free spirit. There’s almost too much beauty here, in both the people and the landscape, and not enough grit like I’m used to. The atmosphere in places such as London and Amsterdam are much different, so I’m sure this environment exists in other places outside of NYC. Perhaps it’s my fault for searching for something I can only find in my hometown, a place that is home to some of the most creative and diverse spirits in the world. Maybe I’ve just experienced too many gray days and seen too many people conforming to the same societal norms and now I’m drawing conclusions that aren’t necessarily true. The wintertime always makes me ten times more dramatic than normal (which is saying a lot as I am a big ball of dramatic energy year-round). I don’t know, but hopefully the spring brings more creativity and light into this atmosphere.
The final rope represents my mind that is constantly expanding and craving new challenges. A year ago, I wasn’t sure if I should continue my education through graduate school or to work more on my self-education through working and traveling the world. Today, I still don’t know what’s best. I don’t know if I’ve learned enough in school thus far to do the jobs that I want to do, but I also don’t know that type of learning will come from being in a classroom again. Jeez, America, why does grad school have to be so expensive? If it wasn’t I wouldn’t be questioning the decision to go back to school as much but this is what everyone seeking higher education in the U.S. must deal with. In reality, I’ll probably settle for a combination of the two, but that doesn’t help me figure out whether I should be currently searching for jobs or graduate programs. My situation is temporary and I need to figure out what I’ll do once this is all over, but honestly, a part of me just wants to take a step back, enjoy the experience, and to not have everything figured out for once in my life.
For the record, I don’t regret a single decision I’ve made that’s gotten me to where I am today. I am incredibly grateful for each moment I spend here. Some days I wake up in utter disbelief that I’m actually in France. I have some great times here and have met some amazing people, but it wouldn’t be truthful to my experience to not share some of my doubts. Anyway, I’m just trying to figure it out, as are you, and I truly do feel like this period of uncertainty is to be followed by greater things than I could’ve ever imagined. The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, and I think I’ve already taken that step a while ago, so now it’s time to keep doing the work to get to where I need to be. Until then, I’m looking to tomorrow with an open mind, open heart, and a great big smile.
