One Year Later

I’ve been meaning to sit down and write this post for a while, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. There have been many ideas floating around in my head and many times when I’ve thought, “That would make a good blog post”, but laziness and the idea that no one would bother reading what I posted anyway stopped me. Your questions about whether or not I’ve posted anything these past months have assured me that yes, someone will actually read this next post, so here we are.

Mostly, my time back home has been spent reflecting, waiting, planning, reading, doing some more waiting, thinking, observing, researching, and enjoying the little things. This has been the first extended period of time in the past five years that I’ve been living at home. Of course, during college I went back and forth between Buffalo and NYC, but knowing there’s a definite date in which you will return to from where you came makes things different. This characterized my short breaks away from studying hard (most of the time) at school, impacted my time in France, and continues to influence my time at home.

Except this time, there’s no return date. “Are you back for good?” people love to ask me when they see me for the first time. “Yeah I am,” I say, not knowing the future and also being slightly annoyed that people keep framing the question this way. Who knows where life will take any of us next? What I do know is I’m back to the place where the majority of my family (at least the ones I normally speak to) lives, the place that’s left the biggest imprint on my identity, the place where I grew up—I’m home.

As comforting as it is to be home, I am aware that if a greater opportunity presents itself elsewhere, I may have to leave again, just like I have these past 5 years. But for now, I’m choosing to try to remain in one place, at least for a little while, in order to take a break from the rapid pace of young adulthood.

I must admit, it was significantly easier to be an adult elsewhere, like at school or in France where I was seen as a single entity. My familial connections as a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, etc., were probably seldom at the forefront of the minds of the people I interacted with on a daily basis. Although I’m now a young adult, I’m still the child of my parents and that will never change. Elsewhere, it was easier figuring out how to grow into my new status as a “no longer child”. Being home has made me redefine what that means, especially whilst living with my family.

When you spend so much time away, you forget how much you can change in a short period of time, and how these changes may have not been so apparent in your fleeting visits home during short breaks. You also forget the little quirks and occasional annoyances that the people and environment around you have that made you want to get away in the first place, but simultaneously make being home the unique and heartwarming place that it is.

I’ve learned to accept these things because despite my leaving, they never left. It’s like trying to fault the ground for being there when you’ve tripped and hurt yourself after being distracted by something on your smartphone. How can you be mad at something that never hid itself or pretended it was something it wasn’t? The ground was always there, you just didn’t notice it. We curse at the wind for blowing harder on cloudy days when we hardly give it a second thought for being around even on the brightest and sunniest of days. The ignorance of something doesn’t make it not exist, it just makes you oblivious to its existence.

I could make this blog post go on and on about all of the things that are now present to me that previously weren’t, but I’ll save us both the time. I find it incredibly interesting how all of my experiences have affected not only myself but also the people around me, and how our different experiences influence so much of our perception of the world. It’s crazy to think about how different my life was one year ago, and how different it will be one year from now.

My outlook on life varies so much based on my physical location in the world as well as my mental state. One year ago, I was quite nervous about what the next few months would bring during my journey in France, how politics in the U.S. would change with the induction of the new administration, and I had just a general dismal outlook on what 2017 held. Now, I’ve done almost a complete 180. I’m excited for whatever may happen in 2018 and say, “Bring it on!”

If 2017 has shown me anything, it’s that life goes on. Even things that seem like a big deal aren’t really, and if you stay persistent and consistent, you’ll achieve results and possibly be able to create true change. It’s also shown me that being surrounded by unconditional love from your family and friends is irreplaceable. Sometimes, it’s all you need to keep a positive and open mind.

Recently, I came to the realization that I’ve had to do everything I’ve done to be where I am, and I’ll have to do even more to get to where I need to be. As clichéd and obvious as that may sound, it really can be a helpful reminder that there are no mistakes made in your life. You were supposed to do whatever you did at whatever moment, even if it didn’t lead to a desirable outcome. Since there’s no way to change the past, we should look to it mostly to inform what we do in the present, and recognize how these past choices can and will shape our future.

Ultimately, I’m happy to be back. My family and friends mean the world to me, and it’s nice to be able to cultivate these relationships at a much closer distance than before. I’m sure my travels will take me away again at some point, but for now, this is good. It’s been a year of great changes, blessings, fun, and uncertainty. Now, it ends with hope. I wish you all Happy Holidays and a fantastic New Year! Thanks for sticking with me for this long and may your new year be as bright as mine.

XO,

Courtney